fugitive poemskis

Buddies,

Wifout any effert to ordr or explain em, here are a bunch poemskis I postd at varios blogskis and sites that wernt JPS-affiliatd durin th time th coincident volume o Poemski: Th Polanski Catalog was being compild, and so were nevr linkd to in any edition o Poemski.

Casey describd th creation of maps,
And dazzld his more mature readrs.
In his immaturity, Joey, prhaps,
Endorsd th projecktion of Peters.

In th beginning, when God made th earth,
He causd th girl angels to shout.
In His lowr hemisphere, for all its worth,
Stuck His big peninsula out.

Emphasizin poles and moving far beyond Mercators,
Takes Polanski on to “lowest common denominators” –
Exiting th specialty o strickt cartography,
Entering what might be labelld “Gross Fartography.”

Her tattoo of th Middle East,
I found extremely pleasant.
Oh, if Id a-done policd,
Th friggin Fertile Crescent!

Far
too much
time is spent
jerking off to
cyberfacsimiles of hot women.

On th pavement there sits a dead printr,
A inch or two from a red splintr.
Twas droppd by a gull,
Right onto th skull,
Of this guy ovr here — th dead sprintr.

Dying printr limps
To Officeworks for repairs.
Didnt quite make it.

I dont believe Id hear complaint,
At th thougt o my bein a saint.
For in principple,
Its conceivable,
Since I coud be dead … but I aint.

At th risk o my bein a jerk,
I now leckture those who might shirk.
From Atlas Cerise,
And from ME comes this piece:
Must him & me do ALL th work?

Inside us all I hear there is,
A ghost in th machine.
Id tell ya more, but now my ghost,
Has gone to th latrine.

All along th watchtowr,
A tambourine man grinnd,
At what lookd like a rolling stone,
A-blowing in th wind.

Dont try to infer or assume
What causd me to vacate th room.
I doubt you woud guess
That it was, I confess,
Her friggin banana perfume!

See their smiles, see their eyes!
Hear them spew the right-wing lies!
See their sexy photo-spreads!
Hear the wind blow through their heads.

Th fans were astounded
When it was rveald
That Joe took th mound and
Still playd centrfield.

A big lumbrjack,
Gave HIS dick a whack,
Sayin, “Sonofabitch, Ill destroy ya!”
But then, overtaxd,
He bustd his axe.
Twas like cuttin down a sequoia.

Th carpentr then,
Said to his girlfriend,
Once made whole by one surgeons toil:
“My re-attachd wood,
Aint lookin so good.
Come here & apply some tung oil.”

Bcause o th docktrs neat trick,
Great news from th world of musick!
So stop yer despairin,
For, tho weve lost Karen,
They jus savd th Carpenters Dick.

Im a Polack, a playr,
A wag and a wit.
Im fulla good humor,
And, yeah, fulla shit.

Will you pardon me prposin,
That this guy AINT decomposin?
Hyprsensitive, weve gottn!
Cant we jus say, “DANG! Hes ROTTN”?

Th congressman ponderd th bishops dcision:
To go wiffout bread is just fine;
But sompm a Kennedy cannot envision,
Is goin th week wiffout wine.

Killd before
By swill pourd,
Poor ill Fillmore
Spilld still more.

My whole life woud be validated,
If my whole crappy blog were balladated.

Somwhere along th way,
They seem to have “lost their play.”

I thought Id score this time,
But now Ive not a chance.
Th title of this rhyme,
Is “Poopy Lacy Pants.”

Said Bush, in a mood effervescent,
Theres one thing Ive found rathr pleasant.
Its sompm I must,
Do to satisfy lust:
Invadin th ol Fertile Crescent.

Nothin else coud be as great,
As playin golf in our 50th state,
While also makin modern art,
By smashin up a strangrs cart.

“But Michael Vick,” Ms Whoopi said,
“Is southern-born & southern-bred.
Abusin dogs gives him his CRED.
THAT evrybody knows!”
—-
Erroneously, she surmizd,
That southerners aint civilized.
They ALSO want him penalized.
So in th kennel he goes.

A cosmick joke th Lord God spoke:
“You toke & smoke, you choke & croak.”

lost babys

Buddies,

Below are 9 poemskis I attachd as coments on a post writtn by a bloggr I wont name, who deletd all th posts on her blogski (includin th one to which these poemskis were attachd) in ordr to start afresh.  These 9 poemskis were only one haff of a 18-poemski back-n-forth btween me and Atlas Cerise that was truly blistering.

Sadly, theres a kind o humor in th give-n-take that is necesarily lost when only one side o th exchange is presentd.  Th one-sidedness gives th impression of a relentless pummeling, which is far less excitin, far less fun, and far less fun-NY than a scrap in which BOFE “combatants” repeatdly end up wit their asses on th canvas.

Me & Atlas have, I thinkski (at th risk o soundin a tad immodest), put on a numbr o cracklin poemin exibitions, and this one here was among th best.  Thats why I think that bloggr deletin that post was such a egregious ackt.  But prhaps by makin MY side o th exchange accesible, Atlas migt be able to recall th poemskis o HIS that went in btween these ones o mine.

So, wifout furthr adoo, here they are:

#1
Atlas dont believe in God,

But Heaven is a place,

Where he, immersd in many fruits,

Licks cumquat from his face.

#2
Atlas embarkd on a career diabolickle,

Part veterinary & part gynecologickle.

Such joy to all crittrs this Doc Doolittle brung:

He dont quite talk to em, but still uses his tongue.

#3
Atlas flashd a jerky smirk,

Then gave his palms a tap.

And by such brillyant handiwork,

He gave imself th clap.

#4
“Rub by hand this toy o wood,”

Said Santa to th elf.

Atlas says th same dangd thing,

When talkin to imself.

#5
Atlas boycotts Christmas,

And he disses Santas list.

Las year he askd fer Sit-n-Spin,

But all he got was THIS.

#6
Said Atlas, “When shove comes to push,

Id gladly pass up this here bush.

If only I can,

Lose a bone in th hand,

Pursuin two more in th moosh.”

#7
“Try to listn carefully,”

Said Atlas’s girlfriend,

“Im confident that if you do,

Youll get it in th end.

—

“Prhaps my meanin wasnt clear,

And thats th reasn that,

Instead o doin what I said,

You jus beat up my cat.”

#8
Atlas bribed th hotel clerk, presumin some corruption.

“My girl and I woud like a room; and, please, no interruption!”

Alas! Th girls Hawaiian night saw not a small disruption,

Since in her bed th mount had had a premature eruption.

#9
Off came my full diaper,

And as it unfurld,

A fella namd Atlas,

Came inta th world.

MUST read

Buddies,

Evryones familyar wit th question, “If you were stranded on a desrt iland, what book(s) woud you wanna have witcha?”  Well I got a diffrent question for yas.

Whats th ONE book that you think EVRYONE oughtta read?

But lemme be a little more prcise hereski.  I aint especialy intrestd in th book you think fokes woud most enjoy readin.  Im intrestd in th book you think woud be most importnt in a prsons edjumacation.  What one book dyou think woud supply its readr wit th most valuable bit o knowledge that th avrage prson dont awready have?

In othr words: Whats th one book you think a prson woud be most bettr off fer havin read?

And, ocourse, there gotsta be a follow-up question: What, exackly, is th benefit that you think a readr woud get outta readin that bookski, and exackly why dyou think thats so importnt?

A few more thingskis:

Firs, it aint like Im gonna be critickly evaluatin any answrs that come in here.  Im jus realy curios as to what fokes think is known by too few fokes and oughtta be known by evryone, and curios as to whethr theres some one book out there that cntains such crucial knowledge.

Seckon, its okay t cheat here a little.  I mean, fer some o yous, it migt be hard to spessify only ONE bookski — specialy since somtimes th value o one book can be apreciatd only by somone who awready read some othr book(s).  So, if ya think th ONE crucial book gots some “prerequisites,” feel free to list them too — so long as you cmplete yer assignment and indickatd th one that cntains th CRUCIAL bit o knowledge.

Third, again prvided you cmplete th assignment here, feel free to toss in any reckomendations fer entrtainment-value — but remembr: jus th ONE book that gots whatcha think is th biggest entrtainment BANGski.

Fourt, ocourse yer invitd t make funny suggestions too — once you cmpletd th assignment.  Im especialy intrestd in yer serios rsponse; but, HECK, Im always intrestd in a good laffski.

Finaly, hows come you fokes are still lookin up Joey’s Hole?  Th MUST READ is ovr at The Joey Polanski Show.

dlightd its done

Buddies,

I know … I know …  Th presdential elecktion is OVR.  And Im pretty sure that alla yous who routinely visit The Joey Polanski Show is as dlightd as I am at th rsult.  But Id be remiss if I let this campaign seasn fade inta memry wifout sharin wif yas one o th best poletickle TV ads I evr seen — its greatness bein due to th sheer artistick brillyance of it.  Heres a link to th YouTube vrsion of it.

ENJOY!

*OUCHski*

Buddies,

Didjou fokes see John McCain, down ten points in th national polls, smilin and sayin shit like, “Th national media had writtn us off,” and “Obama is measurin th drapes fer th White House,” and then addin that “We’ve got em right where we want em!”?

Honessly, when I seen that, I was reminded o when a 73-year-old Ronnl Reagan, in a 1984 dbate wif Waltr Mondale, dliverd that CRUSHR that he woud “not make age a issue in th campaign,” addin that he wudnt gonna “exploit, fer politickle prposes, his opponents YOUF & INEXPERIENCE.”  Remembr Mondales reacktion?  No?  Go ahead … Rfresh yer memory.  Th lameass fuckr laffd in such a way as t say, “I jus been bent ovr and fuckd up th ass by my opponent.  Ainit a GREAT DAY in America?”

Fokes, I aint exackly whatchyad call a rligious man, but somtimes Id SWARE th Cosmos telegraffs its friggin punchs.

Johnny, you shouda been th nominee in 2000.  Or you shouda runnd as a independent in 2000, prhaps wif Colin Powell as yer runnin mate.  I wouodnt a-votd for ya, but I wouda rspecktd ya.

Yer DONE, dudeski.

lit >> fig

Buddies,

Evryone knows that, in th litteral sense, John McCains balls shrivvld up long ago.  Havin livd sebbnty-some years will do that to a man.  But wif th US economy tankin and his poll numbrs followin suit, his recent call fer th poseponement o th firs presdential dbate (AND also vice-presdential dbate) — knowin that, in any dbate, thered be no way to avoid th topick o McCains signature opposition to regulation in th bankin industry, and his equaly idiotick sugjestion that Healf Care in America be modelld on th thorougly de-regulatd bankin industry — seems t sugjest a figurative shrivvlin to rival th litteral one.

spamski

Buddies,

Like many a Blogger blog, The Joey Polanski Show was recently “lockd up” by th BloggerBots on suspision o bein a SPAM BLOGski.  Aftr I publishd my YIV post back on July 14, I dint evn log onta Blogger fer about eight days.  And then, aftr that, I dint log on again until I publishd my Dear Maffia … post on July 30.  Since there hant been a single munt since th inception o th Polanski Show where there aint been at least three posts publishd, I loggd on again late on July 31 to publish anothr post; and it was then that I learnt that I was undr arrest.  Thats hows come July 2008 dint see at least three posts publishd at JPS.  Publickation wunt possible again until July had awready passd inta August.

But evn tho my little stretch in th Blogger Brig had this material effeckt on my blovd JPS, I aint nearly as bent outta shape by it as othrs whov been “bustd” seem to have been.  Fer one thing, I was awready familyer wit th deal: a blog startd a lil while back by th Man Bhind th Curtain was rathr quickly “lockd up” and then rleasd aftr a few days.  To have a three-year-old blog like th JPS treatd similarly was rathr shockin, I guessski; but, HECK, I dont know how a BloggerBot woud hafta go about sniffin out spam blogskis; and, t tell ya da trufe, Im kinda GLAD that Blogger IS tryin to sniff out spam blogskis.

Way I see it, this sorta thing is probly happnin bcause (a) Blogger is probly THE mos popular free bloghost aroun and (b) there probly aint no way to prevent th CREATION o spam blogskis.  That means that th freedom to create spam blogs needs t be “checkd” by some measure that prevents fokes from MAINTAININ em.  A spam-bloggr probly nevr knows his / her spam blogski was lockd until it gets dleted by th BloggerBots; and if a spam-bloggr is swift enough to notice th lock, his / her rquest fer rview & rlease woud likely get him / her exposd as a spam-bloggr and th spam blogski woud probly get dletd anyhowski.  Such a swift bloggr migt jus srrendr th ol spam blogski & try startin a new one — tho that might rquire th hassle o creatin a whole new Google account, and migt eventualy bcome impossible if Google / Blogger keeps lookin out fer such attemps to beat th latest mousetrap by buildin a bettr mouse.  And, trufe be tolt, I think its far more likly that th spam blogski will get dletd bfore th spam-bloggr knows whats happmd.

So I prsonaly applaud Blogger fer sendin out th Bots.  In fackt, you woudnt hear me bitchin if Blogger somhow institutd a periodick full-sweep — once, or evn sevral times pr year.  Nfackt, I probly woudnt bitch a whole heckuva lot if Blogger launchd bots thatd lock up & dlete all em friggin diary blogs & baby-photo blogs out there.  Well … not until somone, like, GUILTd me inta bitchin about it anyhow.

My initial negative reacktion was largely a fit o egotism.  Yknow, like: “How DARE you do this to ME!  Im Charles friggin Fostr KANE!”  But, HECK, it wunt like Blogger was atchualy SUSPECKTIN or ACKUSIN me o bein a spam-bloggr; nfackt, it was esplaind t me, in th lock-out notice, that th Bots is fallible and that mishapsll be cleard up lickety-splitski.  And, as I awready sorta hintd bfore, I sorta gets th feelin that, while Blogger aint gonna admit to it, EVRYONEs gonna get Bottd & lockd.  Yeah, there was a little inconvenience — especialy since it helpd causd that unprecedentd low in Polanski Show histry — but th inconvenience was, like, minor.

One things fer sure: It certainly wunt enough to incline me to leave Blogger fer WordPress.  Its been ovr a year since I startd Joey’s Hole here at WordPress, and durin that time WordPress has improvd drammatickly.  That is, its becomin more and more like Blogger alla timeski.  But its FREE bloghostin still pales in cmparison to Bloggers; and by th time it reachs Bloggers quality itll probly need to launch anti-spam blog-lockin bots thatll have all th WordPressrs lookin to jump to the next haff-assd blog-hostin srvice.  I blieve my WordPress pals who tell me that WordPress is far superior to Blogger when one is runnin a blog on a independent site — and thatll be good t know if & when The Joey Polanski Show goes full-bore www — but till that happms, its exackly th othr way round.  Blogger is WAY bettr, and th JPS is stickin wif it.